Related Posts
There’s a ton of controversy around the term “addicted” these days. The world simply does not like it. It seems too harsh for them to accept. With so many people living as if they just have some “bad habits”, the term addiction exposes the fact that they have lost control of an area of their life. This is why so many things, especially porn addiction, stay as what I call “secret habits”.
If one can stay in their own world and avoid the exposure of their problem, they can continue to believe that it’s just a “bad habit”. The problem with this is that we are the best salesman in the world for selling ourselves! Even further, the most excellent salesman in the world is satan and he has sold far too many men the lie that porn is harmless, it’s to be kept secret and it doesn’t matter to your wife and kids.
For men to truly lead well, to be the dads that they are destined to be and to be the husbands they’re called to be, they must wake up to the facts and realize that most men that watch porn are indeed addicted and are completely stuck in their secret habit. If you’re wondering how to define addiction and are looking to discern if you fall into this category, then let me unpack the 3 indicators of porn addiction.
Porn addiction Indicator #1: You have tried to quit porn too many times to count but can’t
I was here 100%… I thought I had tried everything to quit. Web blockers, prayer, accountability partners, church groups, you name it, I tried it. The reality is if you feel like you have tried everything, first off, you probably haven’t! But secondly, that’s a really big red flag to say that you’re stuck in your struggle and you don’t know how to get out… aka, you’re out of control and addicted. This one is really frustrating for us men because we pride ourselves on being able to “do” things. Its also frustrating because we’re called to lead our families! How can we feel confident, healthy and free as men if we’re addicted to porn and stuck in our secret habit? That’s a question that I fear too many men are avoiding.
Try this: If you’re struggling with porn right now and wonder if you’re addicted, starting today, go 90 days without porn and masturbation. Along the way, note the challenges you face regarding sexual temptation and triggers and note what things you have turned to instead (a lot of guys go from one addiction to another so we want to be mindful of that and avoid a different type of secret habit!)
Porn addiction Indicator #2: You know the consequences of watching porn but continue to do it
Let’s face it, regardless if you think porn is an addiction or not, it affects your wife, kids and well being… Arguing that just doesn’t make sense anymore with the LOADS of secular science proving it to be true*. Watching porn and masturbating to it causes serious consequences to your family.
The challenge here is most men who are addicted to porn know this. They know porn is bad, their wives don’t like it and it is hindering their potential. If they know this then why do they continue to watch porn? Because they’re addicted!! Nobody who wants to be a “healthy dad” is choosing to hurt their wife and destroy her trust nor are they choosing to traumatize their kids via the potential early exposure to porn and all the other potential harms. They’re simply addicted and don’t know how to stop. For the record, I have definitely seen men come to grips with the harms and consequences and use it as fuel to change, but this is not the norm. Just this week I received a message from someone I met with over a year ago to talk about my coaching services through my company Secret Habit. He declined the offer due to cost. Now, one year later, his wife divorced him and he’s separated from his kids. What costs more? That’s the question I have to ask and it breaks my heart because I know this same story is much more common than most of us realize.
Try this: Write down all the effects porn has on your wife, kids and well-being. Take some time to pray about them and if you’re so brave, share them with a trusted friend. I believe this will open your eyes as to how addictive pron really is and help you make some major changes to your decisions.
Porn addiction Indicator #3: You have altered your lifestyle for consuming porn
As a dad, this one really saddens me. I was addicted to porn for 14 years and absolutely devestated my wife with the choices I made to choose porn over her time and time again. However, one thing I am so grateful for is the fact that as a dad, I severed that limb of porn addiction in my family tree and have not robbed my daughter a single minute by choosing porn over her.
Too many guys I know are sneaking their phones into the bathroom at work, spending extra time in the “shower” before bed or they’re staying up late “doing some last-minute work” when really, they’re just massaging their addiction to porn. This one is really scary considering how full the life of a dad is. We’re already maxed out when we’re called to provide for our families emotionally, spiritually and physically.
The reality is, if you’re stealing time from tomorrow, from your company or from your family to indulge your secret habit, you’re addicted.
Try this: Monitor all the times you feel tempted to watch porn and write down where you are, what time it is and how else you could use that time to be a man of integrity.
In Conclusion:
These 3 indicators are for your benefit. They’re to help you see that none of these are ok, especially if you’re a husband and father! You’re a role model, an example and a palace of security for your family. My friend, do not let porn rob you of the truth and do not let porn rob your family of your best. God has made you for so much more and I have dedicated my life to running Secret Habit to ensure men like you get the help they need so they can become confident, healthy and free to lead their families as God intended.
Credits:
Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson
About The Author
Shawn Bonneteau is a Christian Porn Recovery Coach and Podcast Host at Secret Habit Coaching. After quitting porn and masturbation in the summer of 2017, he has spent his life pursuing God’s call to guide men to lasting freedom from porn and other unwanted sexual behaviours. Shawn is a certified Husband Material coach, certified sexual addictions mentor and an inner child recovery specialist. He spends the majority of his time coaching men all over the globe 1 on 1 and in group settings. He has a deep passion for speaking and has had the privilege to share with tens of thousands of men and women on the topics of porn addiction, masturbation and erectile dysfunction over the past 4 years. Shawn lives in Halifax Canada with his wife Helena and daughter Violet. In his spare time he loves to watch hockey, play the drums and watch a good mind-bender from Christopher Nolan.
